King Solomon vrs. Open Adoption

I'm afraid I'm not over the open adoption discussion. I'm going to give another warning. This very well may offend a lot of adoptive parents. This discussion also goes to the heart of the whole, "Can you love a nonbiological child as much as a biological one?" question.

If you're an American, you probably already know the Biblical story of King Solomon. Hopefully, you'll bear with me while I tell the abridged version here in case some don't.

King Solomon is said by the Bible to be one of the wisest Kings to ever live (if not the wisest, I think the Bible bills him as the wisest ever).

One story which is used to prove his overwhelming wisdom is the story of an infant and its "two mothers."

One day, two women were brought before Solomon. Both had their babies on the same day, and one baby had died. Both of the women now claimed to be the mother to the living infant. Despite questioning them, Solomon couldn't discern which was the real mother.

So, he called for a sword, and had the baby laid on a table. He informed the two women that he would simply cut the baby in half, and each would get a half. One mother agreed that this was quite the equitable solution and praised the wisdom in his suggestion. (who wants to offend the crazy king, you could die for that!)

The other woman, however, fell to her knees. She begged, cried, pleaded, and screamed for him to give the baby to the other woman.

This was how Solomon knew that she was the real mother.

And so, this story is often used against potential relinquishing mothers... the REAL mother was willing to give the baby up rather than to see it suffer! If you really love your child, you'll be like that mother. Willing to make that most monumental of sacrifices in order to protect your child from yourself, erm, any harm, rather.

But this use of the story is actually an abuse of the story. You see, the story is not about why you should give up the baby, but is rather instead about how you can tell which mother should raise the baby.

Open adoption is that mother, standing in front of King Solomon, saying, "please, don't harm the baby, it is better that she grow up with the other woman and at least live. I cannot stand to see her come to harm."

But unlike the wise King Solomon, these "judges" who abuse this story then take the baby, and turn to the other mother, "That'll be $30,000 please." The "new" mother pays and takes off with her new child. These "judges" are wrong. They have not the wisdom of Solomon.

The problem here is that "being cut in half" is a perfect analogy for what adoption does to a child. Especially open adoption. The child's loyalties are "cut in half," their heart is "cut in half," and their lives are a study in the pain of being "torn between two loves." They must ensure that their adoptive parents do not feel threatened, that they feel loved.

Yet there is also this deep yearning for their first mother. The mother who loved them so much that she paid the ultimate price a mother can pay for her child.

I will tell you that the only adoptive parents I feel who TRULY can love their adopted child equally as their biological children are the ones who can and would make the SAME sacrifice.

The one who would see a mother who is making that ultimate sacrifice, and like Solomon, say, "You are the real mother, raise this child." Who can sacrifice their own deep and abiding longing for a child to love, to the best interests of the child- which is to grow up with their mother who so obviously wants to do whatever it takes to protect that child.

Sadly, far too few relinquishing mothers are told the truth of the fact that adoption is, for the child, like being cut in half. So they make the ultimate sacrifice... unaware that in doing so, they are sentencing the child to the VERY THING they are attempting to save the dear, beloved child FROM.

King Solomon would not allow open adoptions to continue, except in the extremely rare cases where some mothers genuinely are NOT mentally or physically able to care for their child. These cases, however, really are extremely rare. And in these cases, the fact that this is a dear mother making the ultimate sacrifice for her dear child should be foremost in everyone's mind. So that the child can know and love that mother without being "torn in half" in his or her loyalties.

Open adoption is a horror. It is an even greater horror than closed adoptions in its own way, because the sense of being "torn" would, by any logic, be that much worse. But a closed adoption done with a mother who obviously loves her child the same as a woman choosing open adoption, is just as bad and should also be viewed through the wisdom of King Solomon.

If you, as an adoptive parent, tell me that you love your child as much as I love my son... then be prepared to be asked if you could give him or her back to his or her mother. If you answer "no," and give reasons like, "it's best for the child that he or she stay with me," then you fail the King Solomon test.

Because the person who loves the child the most is the one who wants the best for the child, without excuses as to why and how their own best interests can be turned into the best for the child. if the child is loved and wanted, then it is best for the child to be with the mother, because adoption is being "cut in half" in many ways.

I am tired of seeing the King Solomon story so abused and twisted into, "you SEE, if you love the child, you will give the child up for adoption!" That wasn't the meaning at all, because you'll notice that King Solomon, unlike America... gave the child to the relinquishing mother.