it was the state that extorted my son from me. That would certainly explain my anger, now, wouldn't it?
Well, it wasn't the state. I was 21, and I was extorted by a "home" that advertised themselves as a loving Christian "home" that helped young single mothers who were parenting get schooling and get themselves into a better place in life. I cannot say more without implicating my son's adopters. If he ever finds this blog, he will have enough to deal with, without learning the truth of what they did, so I will say no more than that.
The part that pisses me off the most is that some asshole decided that the ONLY way I could have felt so angry and betrayed is that the STATE must have come in and taken my son. Sorry lady, you lose.
THOUSANDS of women are coerced out of their babies every year. THOUSANDS. And not by the state. This fantasy that the only way that a woman can be coerced into losing her child to adoption is by the state taking it is wrong.
And this woman also happily states that "raping isn't the right word for it," as if she has any idea what having your baby extorted from you feels like. We give birth through our vagina, lady. Wake the fuck up. Then our child is stolen from us as we are too filled with hormones to be in our right mind. We have no legal representation as we are VIOLATED and have our child removed by people who tell us that we are not good enough to raise our own child. Who run a campaign on us from the moment we express the merest interest.
Indeed, lady, let me make something clear to you. I've been raped. And I've been raped of my child.
I'd rather be raped by a man a million times over than lose even the one child I lost, much less ever lose another.
And for anyone that has ever been raped, that tells you in the most profound imagineable way how incredibly soul destroying being RAPED OF YOUR CHILD is.
So the next time that someone arrives at my blog by asking "how does a birthmother feel after adoption," hopefully she'll see this post.
You'll feel like your SOUL has been raped instead of your body. Your heart, your very being, every part of you, even the parts that are "safe" from physical violence are ravaged brutally by the loss of a child to adoption.
Someone once asked me, after all I've been through, WHY on Earth would I focus on adoption, rather than the murder of my mother, the rape and torture of my body, the death of fiances, and the many other agonies I've been through.
That's why.
Because adoption rapes your SPIRIT, your very SOUL, where the rest of it ravages your body and mind and heart. But I realized a long time ago that there was a place deep inside of me that no one could violate by violating my body.
But then I realized that this place CAN be violated. Brutally. Viciously. Cruelly. To a degree I could never have imagined. I, who watched my mother butchered, who endured physical violence for years, who was raped repeatedly... I could never imagine something as HORRIFIC as this.
There is one way in which I agree with the bitch that said rape is the wrong word. There isn't a word in the English language HORRIFIC enough to encompass the ravagement of the soul that happens when you lose your child to adoption.
This woman was responding to another who told an anecdotal story of a "birthmother" who gave up a child and then had a sibling JUST to give to the adopters of the first child. When that lady wakes up, God help her. God help her. If she survives the waking up.
what the bible really says about adoption:
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
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16 comments:
Thank you for deleting my earlier comment off the blog! (so much for free speech and open conversation).
I was trying to engage you in factual conversation. I was the one who said you are misusing the Bible verse Job 24:9. And you can't just take the idea of a loving God and make it mean whatever you want in the name of "love". Jesus saying "you did this to Me" can't be applied to anything and everything. The Bible has a very specific context.
As I asked before, it would be really helpful if you could be MORE SPECIFIC on exactly what happened to you. I understand you are angry. But you are saying you are a loving and willing mother, yet your baby was coerced, stolen, and taken away from you. Could you please clarify this, I really want to understand. How could an unwilling mother "lose" her baby to adoption? I don't understand.
The place I am coming from is this: MISUSE DOESN'T BAR USE. Adoption may be bad in your eyes, but it isn't bad in every case. It's widely needed, especially in over-populated countries like China and India, and in countries where it's usually sick children that people don't want to take care of, like America and W. Europe. Just because you had a bad experience does not necessarily make the WHOLE process bad. It would really help me to understand what actually happened to you. Thank you. I'd like to discuss calmly and openly. I am not trying attack you or change your mind.
Michelle said...
Thank you for deleting my earlier comment off the blog! (so much for free speech and open conversation).
I was trying to engage you in factual conversation.
Well, hello again. So you're the soulless bitch who attacked me on my post that said, specifically, "Right now, all I want is for the pain to end."
There is no freedom of speech here. Learn the law. Freedom of speech doesn't extend to privately owned blogs nor the people who patronize them.
I was the one who said you are misusing the Bible verse Job 24:9. And you can't just take the idea of a loving God and make it mean whatever you want in the name of "love". Jesus saying "you did this to Me" can't be applied to anything and everything. The Bible has a very specific context.
So, in other words, YOU can take the Bible and make it mean whatever you want to, regardless of what it actually SAYS... but nobody else can understand the concept of love.
You are an idiot.
As I asked before, it would be really helpful if you could be MORE SPECIFIC on exactly what happened to you.
Is there some part of "No" that confuses you? Is there some part of "I don't want my son to know what his parents had a part in" that you just can't get through your head?
Maybe the context isn't right or something... one must realize that there is only ONE possible interpretation (Michelle's), right?
I understand you are angry. But you are saying you are a loving and willing mother, yet your baby was coerced, stolen, and taken away from you. Could you please clarify this, I really want to understand. How could an unwilling mother "lose" her baby to adoption? I don't understand.
I'm sure you don't. But frankly, you don't even need to know MY personal situation to know how this can happen.
It happens every day to young mothers all over this country. Parents refuse to help and even threaten their daughters. "Give the baby up, or get the fuck out and never come back." Not knowing that there is help available, the poor woman flounders and finally gives in, terrified of losing the love and support of her parents.
A woman is poor, gets pregnant unexpectedly. She is harassed and hounded by people who tell her that "the only loving thing to do" is to give the baby "everything" by letting someone else have the baby. Finally convinced that she is unworthy because she is single and poor, she gives up the child "for the child's own good" because she has now heard so often how horrible life with her will be, and she loves her child so desperately, that she gives the child up as she is told to do.
After all, what else can a loving but poor, terrified, uninformed, and ganged up on young girl do? How can she know that there's help available to her when everyone's in a rush to tell her about the WONDERFUL (rich- or at least richer than her) people who are desperate for a baby and can give the child everything she cannot?
And after all... if you love your child, don't you want your child to have EVERYTHING, including a FATHER??
Well don't you? What kind of MONSTER doesn't want her child to have EVERYTHING??
The place I am coming from is this: MISUSE DOESN'T BAR USE. Adoption may be bad in your eyes, but it isn't bad in every case.
Have you even read my fucking blog, lady? No, obviously not. I am not 100% anti-adoption. I am 100% anti-coercion, anti-abuse of adoption. I am 100% anti-capitalism-in-adoption.
I am actually PRO adoption from foster care.
It's widely needed, especially in over-populated countries like China and India,
Educate yourself. China doesn't need adoption, China needs sanctions for its human rights abuses. Sanctions it sidesteps by adopting out a mere fraction of the children that need homes. That way, the practice of selling babies for the purpose of being brides continues apace, while greedy Americans snatch up the few that China sells OUT of the country.... thus being able to say that they have "opened up adoptions" and are "making sincere attempts" to "alleviate the problem."
They are not alleviating the problem at all. They are merely sidestepping sanctions with a flimsy front.
As far as India, and Guatamala... these countries also sidestep human rights violations sanctions. These countries are blatantly extortive. They wholesale sell off poor people's children to rich Americans. Indeed, India has even begun exploiting poor women by paying them to be surrogates for rich Americans, ignoring completely the severe psychological trauma this creates.
It is extortion. Poor mothers in these countries are exploited wholesale. And rich Americans like yourself, Ms. Proud Adopters, jump in line to help them do it, excusing themselves with the lament of "oh, but the POOR dear CHILDREN, we MUST buy them! We MUST! If we don't, they suffer!"
That's what the exploiters bank on. That you, and people like you, will sieze the opportunity to be a savior and ignore the fact that you are financially supporting exploitation and severe human rights abuses against poor people.
and in countries where it's usually sick children that people don't want to take care of, like America and W. Europe.
Well, that sounds nice and all, but do the math, honey. People aren't adopting the children that are sick or special needs. Americans demand only the BEST- babies fresh from the womb, whenever possible. They want babies from young white women who don't do drugs, smoke, or otherwise do anything "naughty" during pregnancy. They want perfect specimens fresh from the womb and without any of those pesky problems.
Look it up- the vast majority of adopters want newborn adoptions, not to adopt ill or special needs babies.
Indeed, most adopters adamantly do NOT want special needs.
Just because you had a bad experience does not necessarily make the WHOLE process bad.
What makes the whole process bad is the fact that the whole process is bad. My experience was par for the course as far as "badness" of how adoption loss feels go. You tell yourself that I'm an unusual "birthmother" if you must.
Wake the fuck up. I'm just louder than most. But start listening honestly to some first mothers. Start looking into the statistics. Pull your head out of your ass and THINK for a minute about what's going on here.
Women are losing their babies because there is money to be made by taking those babies. Women are losing their babies because adoption is sold as being SO WONDERFUL and that ALL single or poor women should give up their babies because those babies ARE better off with rich, married people.
It would really help me to understand what actually happened to you.
No, it wouldn't. What would actually help you is to find out what happened in NORMAL adoption situations. Ones where women supposedly "willingly" gave up their children, and then looked back and said, "I feel lied to, I feel exploited, and I regret my decision."
These "NORMAL" situations have FAR MORE to teach you about adoption loss than mine does. These "normal" situations in which the woman really thought at the time that she DID want to do the adoption and then woke up to the fact that she was tricked, decieved, and otherwise exploited are where the real lessons are at.
Look at the links I give to other "birthmothers" blogs. Look at the links on their blogs. Look at the "normal" situations.
If you really want to "discuss calmly and openly," then you will educate yourself on how it REALLY feels after a woman "willingly" surrenders her child and then realizes what has happened to her. Look at how often the predators who call themselves "adoption professionals" cuckold and connive to steal babies from their mothers.
I'd like to discuss calmly and openly. I am not trying attack you or change your mind.
Bullshit. You very blatantly attacked me, when I was in a great deal of pain. I openly stated that I was in horrific emotional pain, and you trotted right in with your soulless lack of compassion and took a shot at me while I had admitted I was down and in agony.
So you can just go right ahead on and fuck yourself.
People like you remind me of why I'm so damned glad that I left Christianity behind.
Let me make this abundantly clear to you, before you try again to tell me about the Bible. I was in seminary, and I studied the Bible many times over.
So don't even try that "you took that out of context" bullshit with me like I'm some dumbass that's never read the Bible. I think it's pretty likely that I've read it many more times than you have.
If a woman does not want to get pregnant, she should practice safe sex. Especially if she is not in a situation where she can afford to have a child.
Adoptive parents are not the monsters you make them out to be. There are just as many biological moms who are monsters. Look at all the bio moms who throw their babies in garbage cans or dumpsters. Look at all the bio moms who abuse their children, or allow their husband/boyfriend to abuse their children.
Yet, you only slag off on adoptive parents.
I also don't feel adoption is the ideal choice in all situations, and don't believe moms should be coerced into giving up their babies.
Anonymous said... (Oh, look, surprise, this idiot can't leave her name)
If a woman does not want to get pregnant, she should practice safe sex. Especially if she is not in a situation where she can afford to have a child.
If a woman is a complete idiot like you are, she should practice masturbation and celibacy.
Adoptive parents are not the monsters you make them out to be.
I do not make adoptive parents out to be monsters, moron. I make the industry out to be exploitive and coercive.
Most adoptive parents are just selfish and ignorant, willing to believe the BS that people like you spout, without actually thinking about the ethics of taking all babies away from all poor people and selling those babies to rich people.
As you clearly think that this is a completely ethical thing to do, I'm sure the finer points of that are wasted on you.
There are just as many biological moms who are monsters.
No shit, sherlock. And interestingly enough, those aren't the ones surrendering their children. Instead, they keep their children and abuse them.
Look at all the bio moms who throw their babies in garbage cans or dumpsters.
Oh yeah, ALL those "bio moms" who throw their babies in dumpsters. Billions upon billions of them every minute. Just look at them all.
Now, look again, and notice that when this gained "popularity" was when adoption became a standardized idea.
You see, when you tell people that human beings are easily replaced, human beings lose value.
Look at all the bio moms who abuse their children, or allow their husband/boyfriend to abuse their children.
And interestingly enough, that happens in THE SAME RATIO among adopters! In FACT, it happens more often because many men don't like raising someone else's child, and only go along with what their wife is demanding. Then they abuse them both for a while and finally leave.
Leaving the mother single now, and sometimes even poor.
So any time that a woman who adopted ends up as a single mother, and isn't wealthy, we should take away her child and sell him or her.
That's what you're openly advocating here. Take away poor people's children and sell them to rich people. Go you, you are really someone to admire!
Yet, you only slag off on adoptive parents.
My blog is about adoption, Einstein.
Anonymous said...
I also don't feel adoption is the ideal choice in all situations, and don't believe moms should be coerced into giving up their babies.
Unless, of course, they are anti-adoption in any case but REAL, GENUINE need.
All of your "I don't believe moms should be coerced" goes right out the window if they're poor or you don't like them.
Hypocritical cunt.
Well, good, anonymous dipshit. Since you won't be back, you won't mind me removing your useless, idiotic post.
Next time, don't ask a question already answered and then try to say someone else lacks intelligence.
Bye bye, bitch. I will repeat for your edification. You don't know jack shit. And so long as you are calling "your" "birthmother" a "birth" mother, you are calling her a breeder whose only purpose is to be a womb and to give birth.
Your ignorance is something that you want to keep. So keep it. You want to tell yourself that it doesn't happen in this country that there can be severe danger to life and limb. You keep your ignorance. That's all it is, ignorance.
It just recently happened that two girls ran away from a "maternity home" and the police got them and took them back. So get your dumb fucking head out of your ass and grow the fuck up and see reality for what it is.
As far as you staying anonymous, I'm not in the least little bit surprised. God help you if your son finds out what a bigotted bitch you are and that you call his mother nothing but a breeder. And God help him even more when he finds out what you participated in and your shit attitude, "I could NEVER give up my child."
Pompous, self-rightous bitch. I feel sorry for your kid and your "breeder" both. Your arrogant self-rightous bigotry towards her drips out of you like venom. And yet you have the balls to tell me that I'm hateful.
At least I'm upfront. You try to claim that you're so enlightened while you then turn around and call your son's FIRST mother by the moniker created deliberately to DEHUMANIZE first mothers. And you sit there and say how much better you are than her- oh YOU could NEVER give up a child.
What are you going to tell your son, bitch? Oh, I know what you're going to tell him, "well, she did give you up, but *I*, being so much better than her, would NEVER give up a child, NO MATTER WHAT."
Even if you never once say that to him, you'll be telling him that. The fact that people think children are stupid is a real problem. The reason it's a real problem is because kids figure things like this out, and there's no doubt that he will know exactly how self-important and self-rightous you are.
You are majorly bigoted. Do remember the next time you see "your" "breeder" to tell her how much you DISrespect her decision.
I don't believe you're trying to learn anything at all. I think you're looking for people to look at so you can pat yourself on the back about how much better you are than them.
When someone who gains EVERYTHING in adoption goes to the people who LOSE EVERYTHING in adoption, and dares to tell them not to be angry... nobody believes you when you say you're trying to learn.
Especially when the simplest concept "birthmother means breeder and dehumanizes the first mother" is impossible for you to grasp.
Now, go away. You've already made it clear that you have no interest in "learning" whatsoever.
Adopters gain everything in adoption. They are the ONLY "triad" member who loses NOTHING. They are the only "triad" member with all the power. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
And then they dare to go around to firstmother blogs and bitch and whine because these women, who have lost everything thanks to the lie that society tells them "you will never be good enough to raise your child, you will only destroy his/her life and yours, too" and have the unmitigated gall to tell us not to be angry or hateful.
Yes, I will continue to delete your bullshit.
Yes, you do clearly think you are better than the BREEDER that gave birth to the child that YOU BOUGHT AND PAID FOR because you could not accept reality as it is.
AMEN SISTER!
Attacking first mothers is in no way trying to 'understand'.
I wasnt put on this earth to be exploited by other infertile needy people.My baby is not a product to complete your family with.
I am a mother, in every sense of the word,and though my income level is lower,that doesnt mean i dont have a right to raise my baby.
Too many scared young women are preyed upon by people wanting to sell their babies.They tell them they will 'get over it' and that in time they will see they did the 'best for their baby'.
if adoption is so great, which one of your kids do you want to 'give' away.
thank you for writing these blogs.they are refreshing to my soul. a soul that has been mutilated by the adoption and child welfare industry.
Thank you, Erika.
I'm sorry for the pain. There's so much. So much. And it will only continue so long as people refuse to admit that yes, coercion even happens "in our country."
You wrote: I'd rather be raped by a man a million times over than lose even the one child I lost, much less ever lose another.
I've been both. Chose adoption for the babies that were born as a result. Trust me, both have been equally devastating in my life. I'd rather die than have either ever happen again.
Thank you for this blog; I thought I was alone.
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. Indeed, adoption sucks. :(
And...
"If a woman is a complete idiot like you are, she should practice masturbation and celibacy."
Grand. I must memorize this!
Much peace to you and your son.
I just came across your blog and I want to say, first of all, I am so sorry about your loss, because I am sure that it must feel as it would to lose a child to death.
I also wanted to say that I can empathize somewhat, but I would never EVER tell you that I understand how you feel, because I don't. (No one can, really, even if they have been through something SIMILAR, it is never exactly the same, you know?)
First of all I wanted to say that when my sister was 15 years old she became pregnant by an adult male. Which of course is RAPE, plain and simple. Did she lay down for him? Sure she did, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't rape. SHE WAS 15 YEARS OLD. And my parents blamed HER. They blamed HER. THEN they forced her to have an abortion. They murdered their own grandchild. My father would have killed her if she hadn't done it, and I mean that. He was a mean, cruel, horrible monster.
When I was 17, I was dating a guy that I had only been going out with for a few months. I was in no way in love with him. I had broken up with a wonderful guy before I started dating this one, but I felt I needed to "broaden my horizons" so to speak. I became pregnant. When I told the guy I was dating that I was pregnant, he rejected me. When my mother found out she told me that I could a) get married b) have an abortion or c) get the hell out. I was NOT going to let her do to me what she and my father did to my sister. But I was so scared and had no support at all.
When my wonderful ex-boyfriend found out I was pregnant, he called me. He told me he loved me and wanted to marry me. I wasn't sure, but I took a chance. We have been married for 21 years and OUR baby is 20 now. (She knows the circumstances, she even knows who her biological father is, but she loves my husband and there is no question about who her true father is.)
I just wanted to share that with you. I DO understand to a point what you are saying, because My sister was left with no choices. I was left with no choices (well I guess I had THREE if you would ask my mother). It makes you feel like a puppet on a string. In my case I got lucky enough to be loved by someone who wanted to help me. He never pressured me, he just took us in. He even told me that if it didn't work out then he would let us go. He gave me my freedom, I just had to take it. I just never wanted to. (Who couldn't love a man like that???) He has been an AMAZING father and husband and I love him more today then I did back then.
I hope your journey has a happy ending. Don't EVER blame yourself. I can tell you have a lot of anger. Please don't let it rob you of that beautiful thing inside of you that TRULY wanted to give your child the best life possible. Because even though you were raped as you say, SOMETHING inside you DID love your baby enough to at least TRY to do right by him in your thinking at the time. Does any of that make sense?
Best of luck to you sweetie!
wow...what you write is very...descriptive. I am a women who choose to place my birthchild almost three years ago. I have contact with the family I choose.
Your blog is one of many blog about women who surrendered children that is very emotional.
I feel a little guilty that I don't completely share your feelings of anger. I know that it was completely my choice to place my birtchild. Many people, including a adoption agency social worker tried to tell me that I could be an excellent parent. Even suggested sources of support. Still I choose to place my birthchild because I have always had very little confidence in my own ablities to do anything. I am also very strong-minded in that if I have my mind made up about something, I do it. I felt strongly that it was the right decision to place my birthchild.
I only slightly regret placing with the family I choose because we haven't become really good friends yet. They still send pictures and let both myself and the birthfather visit. I do miss my birthchild, but the pictures always comfort me.
Maybe because I am Canadian I don't feel as things as strongly as you do. Canadians are known for being apathetic. I will read your blog more. You have made me even more curious...
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