Adoption sucks? Blame the mothers!

A comment I responded to. Bold Italics are hers, regular typing, me:

Anonymous said...
yes and children raised without FATHERS also have a very high rate of dysfunction.

Yes, they do. But, of course, you know they have a LOWER degree, statistically speaking, than do adoptees, right?

Of course you don't. Because adoption agencies don't bother to release that little factoid.

I do have a real problem with coercion whether it is abortion or adoption. you coerce people now to do anything you will pay for it later. doesn't matter what it is. doesn't matter if it is something that would be the best thing. if it is obtained by coercion, it will backfire bigtime.

Wouldn't that be nice. Sadly, too many adopters and agencies get away with it scott free. Welcome to reality.

that said, what i have found sorely missing in ANY of these anti adoption sites is any admission that these women brought this on themselves.

That's because these women didn't bring it on themselves. They brought UNWED PREGNANCY on themselves in many cases, SURE.

But being coerced and exploited, they did NOT bring onto themselves.

Tell me, are you one of those people who go around saying that women only get raped when they "bring it on themselves," too? I bet you are.

unless they were raped or incested, they made a choice to engage in sex with a man that had not made a commitment to them and any future children resulting from their sexual union.

Sometimes that's true. Sometimes it's not true. I had a commitment, and that commitment dissolved when he found out I was pregnant.

So much for this little bit of stupidity. Not to mention the fact that 60% of people don't live up to the marriage commitment anyway, so even that's no guarantee, is it. Oh, and guess what- the divorce rate is NOT lower amongst adopters!

Indeed, it may be true in some cases, but talk about the punishment not fitting the crime. You are some kind of warped, evil individual if you actually think that such a "crime" deserves the LIFETIME SENTENCE of losing your child.

Or that the CHILD deserves the LIFETIME SENTENCE of losing his or her mother for a mistake that he or she didn't even make.

You're one twisted fuck, you know that.

once they got pregnant from that temporary relationship, all the options have a problem with them. Abortion: no explanation required; it takes a life. and post abortion syndrome, guilt, etc etc. not to mention possible medical consequences depending on who you listen to Adoption: obviously you know the answer to this one. lots of pain etc etc. and adopted kids do have issues with it. not all, but some of them. Single parenthood: I know lots of single moms and most of them have hellish lives that are a much better advertisement for nonmarital sex than any talk on the subject could hope to be.

Well, then I guess rather than stealing babies and telling the women, "You deserved it," we should seek other options.

Oh, sorry, that's just TOO RADICAL a suggestion. Don't mind me, I make that whole "thinking outside the stigma box" mistake sometimes. You carry on with your bad self:

never enough money. Their kids have such emptiness where a father should be. I was raised by a single mom, my dad died, but I have talked to other fatherless kids and yes, there is always a hole there.

So let's make it TWO holes instead of one! That'll show those stupid little bastards! You wanna be born to a single mother? We'll fix you!

How much worse it must be for kids like the daughter of one single mom I know who keeps reaching out to her bio dad and he just always keeps flaking out on her and not showing up, etc. always an excuse.

Clearly, the mother's fault, there.

We had best make the mother take responsibility for HIS actions!

instead of people being "anti adoption" or "anti abortion" perhaps a better message would be to encourage premarital abstinence because of all the pain that will undoubtedly be caused by ANY of the options should the woman get pregnant. there is a reason it takes two to make a baby. this may sound horrible but thats really the best solution is to maybe wake up young girls as to the pricetag on premarital sex should they get pregnant. whatever their choice is.

I wonder whatever gave you the ridiculous idea that I am pro-premarital sex. I am not. However, since it happens, I don't think that the answer to it is raping women of their children, and raping children of their mothers. Clearly, you are very pro-blaming and pro-making people feel as completely like shit as possible once a mistake is made.

Punish them as brutally as possible, that'll fix it!!

the answer is not in planned parenthood going out and saying go ahead, have sex, abortion is your safety net. It is not in pro lifers saying "adoption is the way" because even though there is no abortion, there are, as you know, big problems with adoption.

Well, no shit.

It is not in beefing up services for single moms.

That's right. Make women and children both suffer! That'll keep it under control!

Hell, it's worked so far... (as long as you ignore the statistics which say that teen pregnancy is actually UP)

Because that has a way of just creating even more people who figure its no big if they get pregnant because people will help and there are so many single moms nowadays....as if the dad is just a sperm donor.

You have no idea what it does, because to date, we have never provided adequately for single mothers. You're just spouting rhetoric.

Indeed women do this deliberately and I think they are playing a big game of russian roulette just so they can have a kid before the biological clock stops ticking.

You clearly don't even remotely understand the psychology behind it. They're making a basic mistake- they think that having a child will keep the man around. They are trying to get a family, to get love.

Which is a mistake, but not for the stupid reasons you are saying. The reason it's a mistake is because MEN are NOT stigmatized, while women are.

Just look at your very proposal. All you care about is punishing WOMEN for becoming single mothers. I don't see anything about punishing men for dropping off a "sperm donation" and running for the hills.

You carry on with all the horror and shame that it is that women get pregnant, and you do remember to cite that they can't do it alone- but only for the purpose of further vilifying women.
Where's your chastisement of men for bailing on their children? Where's your chastisement of men for ACTING LIKE they are only sperm donors?

For every single mother, there's a father who's not there. Where's your vilification of these deadbeat assholes?

I'm missing it... BECAUSE IT'S NOT THERE!

I can't even begin to list all that is wrong with a casual attitude towards single parenthood.

But you are sure in a hurry to blame it all solely on women. Certainly interesting, but I guess it's convenient that you then forget the fact that it TAKES TWO.

Convenient memory you have there, sweetheart.

I lost a parent and it is NOT "just a different form of family".

Oh, you mean losing a parent HURTS?

But yet, you clearly find it impossible to believe that, even if you ended up with the child by an error in judgment, LOSING A CHILD HURTS, TOO.

The punishment does NOT fit the crime.

Just as pro adoption people can point to successful adoptees (and I know a few..but the one I am thinking of is a very open adoption, the first mother is more like an aunt and spends time with the girl...she is my daughters friend and when the kids had to write a paper on "their hero"...she wrote hers on her natural mother) statistically adoptees have more issues, sometimes severe; so it is that children without fathers in their lives statistically have much more troubles, despite individual accounts of success stories.

Yes, compared to two-parent BIOLOGICAL homes, they do.

But once the "mistake" has been made, then you do the best you can with it. Or, you can just vilify the woman, and drive her to compound her mistake with an even worse one.

I would love to see all "out of wedlock" pregnancies ended. But until that happens, your answer of vilifying mothers is the wrong answer.

So pretty much all the options hurt or kill your kid if you get pregnant out of wedlock. Abortion lends itself to denial more readily than the others, so maybe thats why it is such an attractive solution. i do sometimes wonder though, what all these pro adoption pro life people would really do though, if the abstinence message truly sunk in and their supply dried up.

Don't worry, their supply won't dry up. When they can't hit up single women, they hit up poor women and tell THEM that they're not fit to be parents.

Just like you are doing right now to single mothers.

So hey, have no fear that the adoption industry will run out of people to prey upon and exploit. As long as there are folks out there helping them out by vilifying mothers, their job is being done FOR THEM, by people like you.

It does seem sort of hypocritical..like they barely touch on preventing it...its just all about adoption.

It's not hypocritical, it's capitalism.

Adoption does seem to have gone from serving needy children to serving those who want a baby.
so yes, I see a lot of the points in the anti adoption voices, but I also have never seen anyone take responsibility for getting into the situation in the first place.

What exactly do you expect in this "taking responsibility"? Countless women take responsibility and feel shame and embarassment and CRY over the fact that they got pregnant when they didn't mean to. "Out of wedlock" as people like to put it.

The problem isn't a lack of people taking responsibility for it, the problem is that the punishment of losing a child FOREVER doesn't fit the crime. Not for the mother, OR the child.

You are going up to a rape victim, basically, and saying, "HAHA, you shouldn't have gotten in your date's car, YOU IDIOT! You DESERVED to be raped! What kind of loser gets into a guy's car and then refuses to admit how stupid that was after she gets raped??"

What, you can't cry about being raped without you have to run around saying, "but now that I WAS raped, it really was my fault, because I got into my date's car"?

Are you really so stupid that you don't think this rape victim regrets getting in that car by this point in time? And do you REALLY think that getting into the car with your date is a crime REASONABLY punishable by rape?

HELLO?

Because whatever they chose, there would have been pain or fallout in some fashion or another.

Yes. So really, we should make it the most severe possible punishment, once they've already passed the point and made the mistake, right?

I mean... it's not like there isn't enough problems with it that are naturally occuring consequences. No... we have to make sure they are REALLY punished for their HORRIFIC, UNSPEAKABLE crime by taking her child away.

I hope you've taken all of your mother's children away from her for her lifetime, for her CRIME of marrying a man who died.

I mean, who does she think she is anyway? What a horrible thing she did to you!!



Oh, and in case you are wondering, what do I think IS the answer? Well, very simple. Honor PARENTING children. Stop lying and saying that people are interchangeable. That people are disposable, replaceable, and that one parent or one child or one husband is just as good as another.

Honor, instead of vilifying, mothers. Honor, instead of vilifying, fathers. Acknowledge and stress the importance of parents in children's lives. Honor those who perform these functions to the best of their ability, regardless of how they got there. Instead of casually saying that poor people and young people and single people should have to give up their child to their "betters."

Stop shaming and guilting people every chance you get. Stop claiming that not continually being guilty about something you did means you must not be taking "responsibility" for it.

Responsibility and guilt are NOT THE SAME. Get that through your head.

Exactly how fucking long are women supposed to live with overwhelming guilt and shame that they made a mistake? And why aren't men supposed to be living with the guilt and shame of abandoning their children to be raised by single mothers?

Talk about fucking hypocracy...